Never Forever

Program - Cast & Crew Bios

Director’s Note

I have always considered myself something of an “art-cheerleader” first and foremost, even more than I considered myself an “Artist” (with a capital A, of course). Thus, until 2020 I had not given serious thought to starting a dance company. I have been happy to teach, organize, and see my students and dear friends succeed. I have mostly focused on what I hoped was -simply put- making good work.

For many artists, 2020 was a turning point. For me, the absence of dance and live performance for the last 2 years has meant confronting debilitating depression for the second time in my life.

I have always been very honest in personal conversations about my own struggles with depression and anxiety because I believe that there is someone who needs to hear my story. Maybe it will give them hope that it can get better.

After surviving a wildfire in California in 2009, I had undiagnosed PTSD, which became so debilitating that by 2015, I had all but quit dancing. It took exhaustive amounts of energy for me to work up the courage to go take a weekly ballet technique class, and I hoped that I could somehow arrive and leave without anyone trying to talk to me. This was just the tip of the iceberg. I assumed that the way I felt was some failure of my own; I cannot describe how hard it was to just EXIST, but I can tell you these days were very dark. The good news is, someone I trusted told me that I had options, including medication. I am not exaggerating when I say this; medication gave me my life back. Eventually, dancing here on Oahu, with this community, was all the support I needed to feel joy and meaning in my life, and I was able to stop using medication completely. As I say this, I realize that I am very privileged to have chosen a profession and craft that makes me feel this way- I have often joked that I don’t even want a romantic relationship because art makes me feel more love and joy than any romance ever has. Of course, the downside of this is that in the absence of dance and community, I was left adrift.

I think people take for granted how the loss of our art and performance spaces during the pandemic has impacted people like me. If you are an artist, you probably get it. There is nothing quite like being in a moment of live performance with a group of people you really trust. Some may not agree with what I am about to say, but I RECKON THAT FEELING IS AS GOOD AS LOVE, Maybe better.

At the start of the pandemic, I recognized that I was having symptoms of PTSD. For reasons related to the pandemic and other challenges, for over a year my attempts to get mental health supports were unsuccessful. That period of time was ugly, terrifying, and destructive for so many reasons. In 2020 and 2021, facing so much social upheaval and precarity, at times I joked that feeling depressed was a drop in the bucket; but that didn’t make it feel any smaller.

This show is about facing depression, then swimming in it, being chased by it, entertained and courted, and even dancing with it. In this show, I am recounting the moments of grief and anger, and trying to make some sense of this thing that we all just went through. This show looks to the lens of gendered labor in interpersonal relationships to imagine the possibility of “rest-as-resistance.”

I am deeply grateful to this cast and crew for trusting me with this project, “Never Forever.” Nothing we do these days is without risk, and I know that it was a hard decision for each of us to commit to weekly rehearsals, especially in the face of such unpredictability. I thank them for giving me their time and energy to explore this psychic space, and I hope that for all of us, audience included, there is some healing for us here.